A Usual Day

I just had a bad cry, rather a silent cry filled with deep pain and anger. Because I am not allowed to express that I am hurt or else I will be beaten, I had a soundless cry..

How blatantly and rudely he says all those absurd and meaningless judgments about someone that he assumes out of nowhere and cannot stand to accept or even hear that he could be wrong.

For decades, with his position as a breadwinner, he brainwashed my mind into believing that I am a hateful person .. He has taken away my self-esteem, undermined me and turned me into a miserable person. I don’t even feel happiness if it ever comes to me ….Because of young years of my life trained under him when you can mold a person into thinking the way you want, I have lost the feeling of happiness.

I don’t think I’d ever be happy in my life.

I just so much wish not to wish for that day when I get a chance to say all what I have been holding in for so long that its now choking me. I long for that day when I will be in the position to tell him right in his face that he is wrong and not get hit back ….

It is shocking to see this coming from a person who despite knowing the facts of my half-ruined life, still puts it all on me so easily and not see his fault anywhere in the picture … How arrogantly and shamelessly he lies in front of people and insults me that if I had a job ever, it was because of him and now if I don’t have a job, its because I am not worthy of it….How he treats his own family as slaves with no rights to self-respect and admiration.

Sometimes I feel pity on him…….

Even when being with him for decades, he just amazes me every time by how obliviously he can see nothing bad in him and if I even slightly react to his unbearable cursing and humiliation, I am declared as damned so I deserve to be beaten.

When I was quiet for decades, I was cursed. Now that I speak, I am still cursed.

–An Excerpt from Becoming Feminist


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